work in progress: life lessons on vulnerability, manifestation, and your time as an investment

Hello wow i haven’t written in a while. I’m tired. This is gonna be a super casual blog post. Let’s just chat, cool? Cool.

 

I just want to talk about some major lessons I have learned this summer. I feel like I went some time without growing or learning because I wasn’t challenging myself. In retrospect, I was learning the balance between self-care and pushing myself out of my comfort zone. As someone with anxiety I’ll admit it’s not my first instinct to face fears or do anything while afraid but I’m learning I can push myself WHILE taking care of myself / can always back out if my mental health is compromised. But that’s really a topic I am still dwelling on and trying to understand. Be gentle with yourselves but strive for a balance that allows you grow.  

 

The point is I have come away with a lot of life lessons these past few months because I allowed myself to be very vulnerable, whether planned or more spur of the moment. I actually watched this TED Talk recently about vulnerability which you can watch here:

 

“The other thing that they had in common was this: They fully embraced vulnerability. They believed that what made them vulnerable made them beautiful. They didn’t talk about vulnerability being comfortable, nor did they really talk about it being excruciating — as I had heard it earlier in the shame interviewing. They just talked about it being necessary. They talked about the willingness to say, “I love you” first … the willingness to do something where there are no guarantees … the willingness to breathe throughwaiting for the doctor to call after your mammogram. They’re willing to invest in a relationship that may or may not work out. They thought this was fundamental.”

 

I think one of my biggest takeaways is that many people numb vulnerability as a way to cope. But when you do that you kind of numb everything. I think I had done this. Post-grad life has been difficult and uncertain so I numbed all my uncertainty and feelings of failure / being lost and ended up numbing all the good feelings too. I was pretty miserable the first few months of this year after graduation. I wasn’t feeling anything. I wasn’t growing. I was just existing without too much pain but also without any sort of joy either. I don’t feel like I “woke up” until april / june when I quit my very stable and comfortable job of 4 years and moved out for the first time for a month to work down the beach. It was really a “rip of the bandaid” sort of moment for me. I think I’ll always look at it as a turning point.

 

And so here comes in the thought of the power of manifestation. I like to think of it as making room for what / who you want before it gets there. Trusting. Having faith. It’s a very vulnerable thing. And it’s all beautiful to watch play out. For me this happened in a few areas of my life. Quitting my job was me making room for new opportunities, me committing to eventually be able to move out and not be tied down. Me caring more about passion and less about profit. Me admitting I wasn’t finding fulfilment in something anymore and being ready to at least look at where I could find it again. Me showing myself I was ready for what’s next. The “dream” job isn’t here yet but I am not being held back from it, I am ready now and just waiting for it. It doesn’t feel like being lost because I am still actively pursuing everyday with small steps towards a much bigger goal but that progress is still valid and important. It’s going the right direction. It’s going at all.

 

Same with people. And this is a big one. I have a problem with keeping toxic relationship because I hate burning bridges. I try to think of this one quote “May the bridges I burn light the way.” What a CONCEPT! The relationships you leave behind actually help you find your way out and hopefully into better more healthy / mutual ones. People can be toxic for you and not be toxic in general. It’s ok to let them go. It’s okay to outgrow people, to have these very permanent memories and lessons with temporary people. See the thing is this life is frickin fragile and precious. So let me say this…are you ready? This really changes the way I look at everything. YOUR TIME, YOUR ENERGY, YOUR FEELINGS ARE AN INVESTMENT. YOUR TIME IS AN INVESTMENT!!!!!! When you start to see it like that you truly only want to pursue people and endeavors that are worth that investment, are showing growth, and are hopefully reciprocated. At the same time I want to say this, sometimes people (and passions / dreams) require PATIENCE. You can be investing in them and it be worth it but there’s no huge signs or anything. Not everyone you meet is a flower in bloom. Some are closed. Some are still just seeds in the grown. They’re going to need your time, your care, your love to blossom. To open up. It really takes discernment to know who those people are but I always know deep down those people you just look at and see the definition of potential in. Those are relationships worth investing it and will eventually give it back maybe in their own way.

 

What and who are you spending your time with, in general? Because you’re consuming that the same way you do food, you’re feeding that to your brain. Yeah, some days I need to chill out and watch movies and scroll through social media but other days that’s giving my brain junk. It’s not healthy to follow social media accounts that cause you to self-loathe, compare yourself to others, lust after items you can’t afford or don’t need. This year I’ve started to consume things like podcasts, like quiet music before bed, like being outside as much as possible, like documentaries. I always feel better when I have given my brain something positive and meaningful that is stimulating. I’ve had to unsubscribe from store lists, unfollow accounts, stop visiting certain sites just because of how they affected me mentally and it’s not easy to admit that they had an effect on me. Even watching the news can sometimes be absolutely detrimental to my mental state. It’s self-care to recognize those things and cut them out. It doesn’t mean you can’t ever go back it’s just about finding that balance but your brain needs to be fed more than empty junk, it won’t fill you up.

 

I guess this is kinda a lot and I could keep going. Sorry if this is all over the place I don’t really think in a straight cohesive line but man do I THINK a lot. Overthinking used to eat me alive, now I just give myself new and different things to think about overtime. I’m still very much a work in progress. Actually “Work In Progress” is definitely my anthem this summer. So I think I’m gonna leave it at this. Feel free to comment / let me know what you took away from this / discuss further with me etc. Human connection is so important. We all have so much to learn from each other. We all need each other immensely. I hope you know your stories are worth sharing. I’m still learning that but this is a start.

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